We are the pirates who don't do anything

We just stay at home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything

We'll just tell you

We don't do anything!

 

Pa Grape:

Well, I've never been to Greenland, and I've never been to Denver,

And I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul,

And I've never been to Moscow, and I've never been to Tampa,

And we've never been to Boston in the fall.

 

Chorus:

'Cause we're the pirates who don't do anything.

We just stay at home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you

We don't do anything!

 

Mr Lunt:

Well, I never hoist a mainstay, and I never swab a poopdeck,

And I never veer to starboard, 'cause I never sail at all.

And I've never walked a gangplank, and I 've never owned a parrot.

And we've never been to Boston in the fall.

 

Chorus:

'Cause we're the pirates who don't do anything.

We just stay at home and lie around.

And if you ask us to do anything, we'll just tell you

We don't do anything!

 

Larry:

Well, I've never plucked a rooster, and I'm not too good at Ping-Pong,

And I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall,

And I've never kissed a chipmunk, and I've never gotten head lice,

And I've never been to Boston in the fall.

 

Pa Grape (spoken):

Huh? What are you talking about? What do a rooster and mashed potatoes have to do with being a pirate?

 

Mr Lunt (spoken):

Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about pirate-y things.

 

Pa Grape:

And who's ever kissed a chipmunk?!? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?

 

Mr Lunt:

I think you look like Cap'n Crunch.

 

Pa Grape:

Huh? No I don't!

 

Mr Lunt:

Do too!

 

Pa Grape:

Do not!

 

Mr Lunt:

You're making me hungry.

 

Pa Grape:

That's it, you're walking the plank!

 

Mr Lunt:

Says who?

 

Pa Grape:

Says the Captain! That's who!

 

Mr Lunt:

Oh yeah? Aye-aye, Cap'n Crunch! Hee-hee-hee-hee. Yikes!

 

Pa Grape:

Argh!

 

Larry (singing):

And I've never licked a spark plug, and I've sniffed a stink bug,

And I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball,

And I've never bathed in yogurt, and I don't look good in leggings.

 

Pa Grape (spoken):

You just don't get it.

 

Chorus:

And we've never been to Boston in the fall!

 

Pa Grape(spoken):

Pass the chips!

 

Mr Lundt:

It's time for Geraldo.

 

Pa Grape:

It's definitely time for Wapner.

 

Larry:

Hey look! I found a quarter.